


Odds & Ends

by aeschoii



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, M/M, Social Anxiety, Suicide Attempt, mentions of nct 00 line, the relationships are kind of implied
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2019-10-26 07:16:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17741354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aeschoii/pseuds/aeschoii
Summary: “i was too caught up in my mind to realize you were there the entire time.”orin which nine boys help each other.





	1. after the rain

* * *

**_一s.cb_ **

the rain poured down onto changbin's umbrella as he walked. the soft _pitter-patter_ of the the rain echoing through the empty alley. changbin liked the rain, it could cover up the sounds of your sobs, and blend in with your tears as you cried.

but today, the rain was overbearing, and changbin found himself quietly sobbing, and overthinking the meaning of life. his mind was always so full of what-ifs, and pessimistic thoughts.

the sound of rain was strangely too quiet. his head felt like it was going to explode, and he let like he'd rather die than have to listen to the silence. there was no music in the background to distract him from what was truly happening around him, and he hated it.

he was forced to think about death, and anything wrong in the world; it was the only thing he thought about.

he was terrified of death and the concept of not living. as much as he hated himself, and the world, he could never end it because his pain tolerance was not very high, and he'd most likely end up not properly doing it.

he felt alone in the world. sure he had his mom and dad, but his mom would send him to useless therapy, and his dad would glare at him and shrug his problems. it seemed to be the only thing he did.

changbin stopped walking and almost collapsed against the nearby wall, going almost blind due to the tears. he balled his fists and blindly punched the wall, screaming out in frustration and pain when it hurt. he turned around and slid down the wall. he cradled his fist in his hand, and kept crying, not caring if anyone saw, or if he looked crazy.

by then, his umbrella had been thrown, and he sat in the cold rain. he knew he'd get sick the next day, but he was too caught up in his breakdown to care about anything else.

changbin shoved his wet head in his cold hands, and suddenly, his feelings of anger, sadness, frustration, and negativity came to him in quick waves, and he felt like screaming. he was very tempted to punch the wall again, but decided against it.

changbin didn't know where to go anymore. his mom would pester him about him never smiling, and she'd definitely question him about his red eyes and bloody fists (which he hadn't noticed) he didn't have any actual friends that he trusted, or family that he knew wouldn't tell his family about him.

changbin was a mess, a big mess. he knew that, and he didn't know if there was anyway to fix it.

 


	2. sunflower

_**一k.sm** _

seungmin had idiot parents. his mom didn’t believe in homosexuality or mental illnesses, and all his dad ever did was shrug about everything. he was pretty tired of the both of them.

when he was told he had major anxiety, his mom denied it. she said that it wasn’t a thing, “it’s all in your head. you want to be special.” were the exact words she said to him.

it wasn’t in his head, and he didn’t want to be special; it was all real. being special was the last thing he wanted. being looked at by another person freaked him out, so him wanting to be special wasn’t very logical.

it was raining outside. the weather was gloomy, and it matched his feelings. the perfect weather for crying to sad music and overthinking. he bitterly laughed at that thought.

many people thought his life was perfect. that was what most people thought about quiet, ‘smart’ people. but like most people, his life was not. he struggled with his grades, but could never get help because his mom said, “the dumb kids get tutoring.” since then, he’d been afraid to ask for help with anything.

his anxiety obviously added onto the factors that made him what people saw as imperfect. he couldn’t even get up to throw things away without his breath picking up, and tears pricking at his eyes if someone glared at him.

he sat at his desk, in the music room. he was skipping his fifth period class, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

he stared at the rain dripping down from the gloomy, grey. it reminded him of when you mix grey paint with white. it gave him a peaceful feeling, as it was the brightest thing in his life; the rest of it being dark.

he hated the silence though. it was so violent, because in silence you can hear everything. every little move, with nothing to hide behind; nothing to blame his fears on.

sometimes seungmin just cried while blasting music. the silence was too overbearing and tense. he found it suffocating to have to be in it. but at the moment there was nothing he could do about it, unless he wanted to risk being caught.

he had the perfect view of the school’s flower garden, and he suddenly found the flowers more interesting than the ceiling he found himself looking at.

the flowers were like people, all different colors and sizes, all giving off different scents, like auras. people only picked the prettiest, most perfect flowers, and left the others. seungmin found himself identifying as one of the flawed flowers that grew to never make it to the shops.

seungmin realized if he wasn’t a pretty flower that were never picked, he’d get to live without having to worry about how pretty people thought he was. he’d never have to worry about being in the spotlight.

and if seungmin was being honest with himself, that was all he wanted.  
  



	3. astroboy

_**一l.fl** _

 

it was a warm, humid night, and felix found himself on the roof. it wasn’t cute or cliche like rooftops sometimes were. it was rather lonely, and devoid of energy; just felix’s empty soul.

felix knew nothing about the stars. his knowledge was limited to the planets of the solar system, and the big and small dippers. that didn’t stop him from returning every night when things got hard.

he lived with his aunt. she had always frightened felix as a young child. now that she was his legal guardian, she was allowed to discipline him however she wanted. but however, she abused her power and authority, losing felix’s love and trust.

anytime felix did the smallest thing wrong, it was a hard hit in the back of the head, or anywhere she could hit that would cause pain. even small things like leaving the milk out of the refrigerator.

felix hated her. his only escape was the roof. it wasn’t very convenient, he sometimes sat on the rails of the fire escape and looked up into the sky. other times, he set down a blanket and stared.

the stars were beautiful. his mother had always told him the freckles on his face were like constellations. he didn’t know what constellations were, but she made them seem so pretty and unique, so they probably were.

he often found himself crying out to his mother from the roof, being because he felt close to her as he was stargazing. the pair used to look at the sky together back when felix had been in primary school. then he was sent to korea, because of his mom’s death.

tonight was one of those nights were felix stares up at the sky, not caring if he felt tears streaming down he cheeks. not caring if it felt really uncomfortable having the tears pool up on his eyes. it was time with his mother, and that was all that mattered to him.

he laid on his back, gazing up at the sky. it wasn’t completely dark, but the sky was a beautiful array of yellows, oranges, and reds. if felix had a phone, he would’ve taken a picture.

he sighed and felt his eyes prick with tears. he cursed himself, it being his fifth time crying that day. his head felt like it was about to explode. he had been out three minutes past his curfew, and he’d gotten hit with his aunt’s shoe.

one day he was going to get a head injury, and he’d make sure to blame it on his aunt.

the sky darkened, and the hurt in felix’s head dulled the slightest bit, because of the lack of light hitting his eyes.

felix let out a choked sob. he was really tired of life. maybe he’d end it and go live with his mom. he’d love that very much. he imagined living with his mother whom he missed very dearly. he decided he wouldn’t think about that option.

felix aggressively wiped at his eyes, and sniffed, “cant be weak.” he murmured, then sat up slowly.

he stood up, and carefully sat on the railing of the rail or the fire escape. felix looked out at the cars that were driving, wishing he could be in one of them. he deeply inhaled the humid air, the sighed.

there really was no escape for him.


	4. out of mind

**_一h.js_ **

 

“please do not come back high.”

 

jisung scoffed and stumbled out the door; already being drunk. he didn’t care about what his mother told him to do. she shouldn’t have expected him to listen.

people always said that jisung was bound to snap soon, and when he did it wouldn’t be pretty at all. he denied it, claiming that he was too used to his life to snap. it made no sense, but to him it was logical.

it was sprinkling outside, but a drunk jisung didn’t seem to care. he walked ( read: stumbled ) down the sidewalks, not paying attention to the strange looks he was getting.

the rain outside smelled nice. it reminded jisung of when him and his mother would go outside early in the morning after it had rained. it gave a very earthy, wet smell; he liked it.

jisung wasn’t a thinker when he was drunk. he didn’t think before he did anything. if one thought about an action came to mind, he’d most likely do it.

which was why he found himself in an alley, searching for an empty beer bottle. his eyes scanned the area as his hands rummaged around the trash. after spotting a bottle, he picked it up and dusted it off.

his drunken thoughts were borderline suicidal. he wasn’t exactly suicidal, but he surely didn’t want to be alive. `i love myself too much’ he always said. it was a lie, he knew it. he just didn’t think he could handle the pain anything could inflict upon him.

he smashed the glass bottle against the wall of a building, then picked up one of the broken pieces. he took the dusty green shard, and inspected it before cleaning it off.

 

“it’s just pain.” he mumbled mindlessly, bringing the piece of glass up to his neck.

 

his hand hovered over his throat for a long minute until it lowered down to his opposite arm. he took the piece and lazily dragged it across his arm, not close to his wrists.

he smiled and felt his eyes water at the feeling. he felt as if he had sobered up, but he hadn’t wanted to anytime soon. being sober meant that he’d have to consciously deal with everything and everyone.

he took the end of his jacket and rubbed it across the cut, ‘cleaning’ it up. his mother would probably come in when he’s sleeping and clean it.

jisung felt his eyes burn and pool with long awaited tears. it hurt; everything did. the cut, life, his head, his body一 anything you could think of. even breathing was tiring to him. he wished he could just stop. it was too painful and hard to have to inhale and exhale, so he found himself holding his breath, and crying.

“i’m so dumb.” he sniffed, suddenly feeling like he was finally under control of his body again.

he wished he’d live outside of his mind. maybe one day he’d wake up and be able to breathe freely without that stinging pain in his lungs.


	5. destroyer

**_一h.hj_ **

hyunjin felt empty. he it seemed to him that he never felt anything; his mom had came home with a small cake, celebrating her new promotion, meaning they could afford more things for themselves. hyunjin knew if he was able to feel, he'd be happy for her.

but he couldn't. he'd lie in bed all night, staring up at the plain white ceiling, tears streaming down his cheeks. he couldn't feel the sadness his tears were representing, but he did feel how good it felt to cry.

he would never talk to his mom about it, she was a happy pill, and he didn't want to ruin her peace and hope with his sad, answerless problems. he wouldn't go to his dad; his dad worked the night shift and went to college during the day ( to get his associates degree the following may ) , so hyunjin never really saw him. his friends weren't very open minded to anything, making it difficult to find solace in them. 

tonight was no different from any other. at nights he let himself breakdown and just cry over absolutely nothing. if any perosn were to walk in, they'd think that something severely wrong had happened; but, in reality he didn't know why he was crying.

maybe he was tired; tired of feeling completely numb to everything all the time. whatever it was, it had him sobbing his eyes out at two am. he could barely breathe, and he had a huge headache; he could feel his head pulsing as if there was a second heart in it.

he tried taking deep breaths, but his breath was too unsteady and uneven. 

_maybe i'm not actually okay._

hyunjin was yet to accept the fact that he had a problem. being raised the way he was meant that he would have many problems in life, but you couldn't ever let them take control of you, you couldn't let them define you.

hyunjin's problem was him. there was no him without the numbness, and there was no numbness without him. there was nothing to him, he was just a person that was alive just to breathe. no happiness, no sadness, heartbreak, love, admiration, just him; i waste of breath and space.

although he had given up, he desperately wanted to feel something; but considering how he felt, that was almost impossible.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhh sorry about the really long wait,, i really had to get back into the groove of writing,, so here i aM,, once everyone’s intros are done, the actual plot will start :D ( && it’s not edited,, so if you find any mistakes pls tell me ):

**Author's Note:**

> the chapter are going to be from 400-800 words, so not to long and not that short,, i hope you enjoyed !


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